drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
