i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
