I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
even my farts smell like vagina
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
