dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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