I think my fart just growled at me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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