and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You can't motorboat a personality
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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