He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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