Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this boner is exhausting
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
