:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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