I will die if light touches me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
