I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
