I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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