You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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