she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
