I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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