ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
