Yo dont text me then not text me
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
