I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
