look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
