I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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