Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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