a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
