I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When did angry sex become our thing?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
