Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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