Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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