Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
