so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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