man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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