Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love you. Go after that dick
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
