okay pat passed out under dana's car
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
