i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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