Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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