Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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