I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
