pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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