at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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