Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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