just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
