Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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