Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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