My liver just broke up with me...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
