Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
