its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
