dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
