Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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