God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
