I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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