You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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