first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
