So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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