i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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